Advice to a friend

Dear ……,

What you do with this letter, read it delete it whatever is up to you, I write it because I consider we had something of a friendship but maybe not??? Obviously also I do not write things like this regularly but you are a special person, there are many things I really admire about you, you would give the shirt off your back to someone in need, you always offer a hand, your word is your bond, you are driven passionately to put everything you are into the things you do.

We are all a product of the events that our lives contain, some bad some good. These events can make us who we are but as in your life they do not necessarily have to define or contain us. You are certainly an excellent example of this having risen above the challenging circumstances in your life to become a better person. The point about growth is that it should be a continuous process through your life, I am 44 and I find myself constantly analysing my actions my words and how they affect others

Sometimes the events that have occurred in our lives give us motivation to rise above the shit that surrounds us however sometimes we can carry those events around never quite letting them go. We are nothing alike and yet like most men I see reflections of the man I was and who I am in the people around me, you are one such reflection and as I look at you I see something of who I was when I was a younger man.

You said an interesting thing about what you consider to be the defining thing that makes a man, I obviously have a different view

My view and this has developed over 44 yrs would be that there are many things that define a man. How does a man handle conflict, how does a man conduct himself daily? how does a man mentor and nurture the men around him, how does a man lead by example and show the men around him by word and actions, how easily does a man forgive when he is intentionally or unintentially slighted?, when he does the wrong thing does he ignore his conscience or go and make it right.

People who you perceive as having crossed you become dead to you, is this smart? I don’t think so, is it something that has allowed you to survive and be safe, maybe, the people who have the most power to hurt us are those we love care for and allow to ourselves to become close to, how do we deal with it when they do something that feels like betrayal? For some people the easiest way to minimise their hurt is to distance themselves from the person who hurt them, cut them out of their lives and say I don’t need to deal with that, the harder thing to do is to acknowledge that people especially those that are closest to us are fallible and will make mistakes, partners cheat on each other, parents do horrible things to kids sometimes because they are horrible people sometimes because they just make mistakes or don’t know any better(I see this all the time in where i work).

True freedom comes when you have the power in your life to say”you know what? the relationship I have had with you is worth something, I forgive you, I still desire friendship with you. This is also incredibly difficult to do because A) it makes you vulnerable again and B) pride gets in the way.

Pride is an interesting thing, people myself included do many stupid things because of it, we all have a picture of ourselves inside of us, it can shape what we do and why we do it, if someone presents to ourselves a different viewpoint that conflicts with what we think of ourselves it can hurt. I remember being on a camp with kids and I overheard one kid telling another that he could get assistance from the fat old guy 8-) I was shocked to realize he meant me, it really hurt as I actually looked in the mirror and realized that who I thought I was, was not what people actually saw. As you age you come to know yourself better and you can let go of some things a little easier,

changing yourself is the hardest thing to do sometimes it feels easier to try and change the people around you but you would know how difficult that is to do. Your conversations with ……. on facebook illustrate that fact eloquently. The only person we can affect change on is ourselves and that is difficult enough. Here’s a test ring your mum up and tell her that you love her, I don’t know your situation but you mentioned yesterday that she was dead to you.

I would love to continue to have a friendship with you but I will also understand if this is too difficult